Valduggery, Ghanith and killing bad guys
by Sadistic Creator of Death
Summary: One shots maybe continuing stories don't know yet I may not update all the time. Rated T for... Tennis. There will be swearing you have been warned! Don't let that put you down. There some with murder, some with nightmares and some with just pure fluff. SHUNGGLES!
1. Loving You Part 1

"No, but why should he?" she questioned she hadn't heard from him and yet here they werer questioning her about his relationship.

"Did he have any enemies, people that wanted to kill him, people who wished him dead?"

"You can't kill what's already dead," she raised her eyebrows at them, were they really that thick? She didn't know, nor did she want to know, nor did she even _care_.

"**You **need to give us answers, Mrs Pleasant, your his wife surely you would know something about his dissaperance yes?" Who did these people think they were? Oh! Yes of course they were the newbies at the Sanctuary. Valkyrie didn't even remember their names, somthing like Angel &amp; Angus apparently good detectives. Pfft yeah right no one was better then Valkyrie Pleasant.

"Yes I am well aware of who I am, I am also aware that this is _not the case your supposed to be working on_," she snarled, she just wanted a pot of tea and figure out who stole her husband then bash the hell out of them.

The cleavers at the door shifted slightly letting Grand Mage Ravel through, "Detective Bashier please escort you dear sister out of the room before i get the cleavers to throw you both in a cell under the charge of harassment," Ah good ol' Erskine Ravel always saving her from these annoying so called mages.

"Of course Grand Mage." They hurried past them mumbling to themselves.

"Thankyou ever so much, Grand Mage Ravel," she heard him groan, "but i could have handled it."

"I have no doubt about that, Detective Pleasant, but I do doubt that they would not have come out alive. You have picked up on that dangerouse calm that your husband had. How is the search on that going by the way?"

She was about to answer when Tipstaff came rushing in, panting and gasping for air. Valyrie stood up, alarmed.

"Billy... Ray... raiding... killing... Skulduggery..." was all he managed to wheeze out before he promptly passed out. Upon hearing the name, _that _name she didnt even see him hit the floor before she was jumping her desk and sprinting down the corridoors, Ravel close behind her.

They came to an ubrupt stop when Billy-Ray Sanguine rounded the corner dragging a man with raven black hair and startling green forest eyes with a dull look.

"Sanguine" she hissed "what are you doing here," her voice was cold void of any warnth

xXx

He didn't recignise her at a glance but when he heard her voice, as cold and low as it was, he knew he'd be safe.

"Pleasant," he heard his captive say. Sanguine's voice held just about the same amout of venom "i thought we were on first name bases as i just saved the man of your dreams back from Australia. I thi..." Skulduggery didn't hear anything as he drifted into the world of unconciousness

xXx

Valkyrie gasped already forgetting about Sanguine, the crowd forming around them, Ghastly rushing through, Madame Mist watching from a corner, Ravel ordering people to go back to their jobs. She forgot about all of that and knelt in front of the new and improved Skulduggery lying Unconcious on the ground

She glared at Sanguine and he layed Skulduggery on the ground gently and smiled softly at Valkyrie

"Your welcome Lil Darlin," he murmmerd, she suprised them both by jumping up and hitting him accross the jaw with a right hook,

"That's for taking so long," she then pulled Sanguine towards her and into a bone crushing hug

"that's for bring him back to me." she breathed into his ear, she gave him a quick peck on the cheek before issuing orders at people brave enough to of still been standing around.

"Take him to Nye," she commanded Weeper. The poor man fumbled with Skulduggery, stood with shakey legs and almost dropped him.

"Don't drop him," she hissed through clenched teeth, she turned but stopped mid step, cursed herself, took Skulduggery into her own arms and stormed of muttering something that sounded alot like "stupid pathetic little man."

xXx

Skulduggery awoke to Dr Nye towering over him and immediatly tensed

Someone was speaking softly a voice so musical Skulduggery almost fell back asleep he shifted his eyes to the left and when he found himself looking into dark brown eyes, almost black, he calmed. Skulduggery Pleasant looked at his beautiful wife for the first time in four years.

"Valkyrie my dear, I love you so, so much but can you promise me something?"

"Anything. I will do anything for you anywhere anytime, just tell me what i need to do Skul please and I'll do it," he smiled slightly,

"Never let me go somwhere without you again. I missed you Valkyrie."

She smiled that smile that she smiles before she is going to ask questions and he was ready. He would answer them truthfuly. Because she was his wife, finally, and he could trust her to understand.

"Skulduggery, are you well enough to answer a few questions?" her voice sweet, soft, calming and it filled his veins with so much love that it was all he could do to not kiss her right there and then.

"Yes, I am," he answered, he would tell the truth.

"Why did you go to Australia"

"To talk with some friends, and to get some controll over Lord Vile," he lied.

"Could you name the friends you went to see?"

"Sure, there was Phoebe Conway, Jessica Drench and David Sivlerside," another lie.

"Where did you meet these people?"

"They are the people i played poker with to win my skull." That was the truth and the peice of truth he gave during the whole interogation

xXx

He lied to her, she could tell, but then she was a detective and him being her mentor she was able to see the way people shifted their eyes, when they began to slowley pespire at the hairline and he was doing so much more then that. He lied to all but one.

She kept her eyes on the road as she drove his Bentley to Gordans mansion where they both now lived. She kept her eyes on the door as they walked up the path. She kept her eyes on the kettle as she boiled water and made them both a cup of tea.

She kept her eyes on his as she said:

"Those questions i asked today i want you to now answer them truthfully."

He hesitated, "Of course luv."

"The _truth _Skulduggery. Now, why did you dissapear of to Australia?"

"To find this sorcerer who could turn me into a human." The truth he had told her the truth.

"Did you find him alright?"

"Yes, actually. I did Tenebrea's brother, he was."

"So is this that human or is it the facade?"

"This? No this is still the facade. I'm going to take this potion," he pulled out a glass vile with orange liquid in it, "and it will turn me into a permanent human being. Blood, organs, a heart everything.

Valkyrie jumped up of the stool and ran around to the other side of the bench where he was standing,

xXx

He turned to her as she bolted towards him, confusion etched on the facade's face. He grunted and took a slight step back with the force of her hug and he quickly wrapped his arms around her waist, brought her close to him and buried his face into her hair. Wait. Was she crying? He pulled back from her and found tears of pure happiness stream down her face. He kissed her fiercly. Forced all his love, revenge, hate and kissed Valkyrie Pleasant for the last time as a skeleton.

Skulduggery looked at his skeleton form in the mirror of the bathroom he lifted the vile to his facade lips and drank the liquid.

xXx

Valkyrie heard a scream and ran to the scource of the noise and found Skulduggery looking at himself in the mirror, breahting heavily.

"Skulduggery? Love are you alright?"

he looked at her with an excited expression and she had to laugh.

"Skul what is it?"

"I forgot how good looking i was," he started laughing, he was laughing so hard that he was now standing still, makeing no noise and clapping like a retarted seal, a handsom, retarted seal mind you. And he was good looking, with light brown shaggy hair that came down to his ears and the front of his perfectly scuptered eyebrows, that framed the most greenest eyes she had ever seen. They were a forest pool green with golden flecks and a ringlet around the pupil. He had wide shoulders that were toned alone with his legs and chest, which owned the best looking six pack he had ever seen. And his lips, good God, his lips plush and pink and ready for kissing. So she did just that.

xXx

Skulduggery awoke, sat up and stretched. He felt something move next to him and he looked down to see Valkyrie fast asleep. He got up went down stairs and made himself some coco pops, he relished in the lovley taste of a chocolate breakfast. He made another bowl and walked back up stairs to the bedroom.

"Oh," Valkyrie exclaimed as she sat up "thank you."

"What for?"

"The Coco Pops," said slowly, as if he The Great Skeleton Detective was stupid

_Well _he thought _the great human detective_.

"These," he said "my dear are _not _for you, but for me," she scowled at him and he chuckled

"But..." She whined trying to figure out why she should have _his _coco pops "But you love me,"

"Ah, you see as that may be true this is the firwst time I've had coco pops in, what, two hundred years."

"So your telling me that the bowl your holding isn't your 5th this moring?" she asked stalking over to him.

He hesitated and decided to reply with a witty remark.

"My, my Valkyrie which handsom devil taught you to be a detective?" He asked then clicked his fingers as if itall made sense "Oh! Yes! That's right. It was me."

She stood there waiting and he lifted the spoon to her lips and fed her.

xXx

Valkyrie went downstairs, after having a nice warm shower with Skulduggery, and groaned.

"Valkyrie that is a noise that is attractive in bed and no where else." He stated while wrapping his strong arms around her waist from behind and kissed the top of her neck. She leaned into him, her back against his chest, her arms resting on his. Skulduggery suddenly gripped her wrists, twisted her her and her back slammed in to the wall.

"I finaly have you," he wispered and she shivered "You're finaly mine," he was using that voice that came from deep in his chest. She shivered again, but it had nothing to do with the temperature. he kissed her collar bone and made his way up her neck, kissing, biting, sucking, along her jaw bone, he reached her mouth and he claimed her lips with his own. It knocked the world out from under feet and her knees gave way. Skulduggery was quick to grip her bum and picked her up. She wrapped her legs around his hips and pulled him closer. It was getting pretty heated when the doorbell rang.

Skulduggery let her go and once she was firmly on her feet again she walked around him and towards the door.

"VALKYRIE!" Tanith Low squealed.


	2. Loving your Part 2

**Hi, sorry if my last chapter ended quickly I'll try to do long chapters, or longer anyway. But enough babbling **

**On with the story.**

**Oh one last thing in case you wanted to know Valkyrie is 36 but looks 23, Righto Lets go,**

"Tanith!" Skulduggery heard her say

_Oh well, _He thought, _some things just never change I suppose,_

He heard a male voice, someone telling Tanith to move out of the way. Skulduggery thought he should know who it belonged to but it didn't seem to click. He boiled the kettle and took out two mugs as someone walked into the kitchen.

"How ya doin' Mr Funny Bones," asked Billy-Ray.

"What are you doing here?" he questioned, voice low, why weren't Valkyrie and Tanith panicking. Sanguine couldn't have come into the kitchen without passing them.

"Oh, you tellin' me that she didn't let you know. Ah well it ain't my story to tell. Give ya somethin' to talk about instead of kissin' all the time."

"Right, okay then, well I'm going into the living room with the girls, Don't want them breaking anything. Care to join me?"

"Nah I gotta go to the toot. Back in a sec."

Skulduggery walked into the living room slowly as to not spill the coffee he handed one to Tanith, took a sip from Valkyrie's and placed it on the table.

xXx

She heard Skulduggery talking with Sanguine in the kitchen and hoped they wouldn't end up punching each other

"Vaaaallkyyriiee, anybody home?" Oh right Tanith

"Anyway so we were walking throught the park and I turned to him and he looked at me expectantly and so I thought I had better tell, and I did, Val, I told him. And now I'm goona tell you, okay well I'm pregnat!"

Valkyrie looked slightly horrified, "Your pregnat with freakin' Sanguine, like, eww, gross."

"No silly," Tanith said pure disgust etched on her pretty little face, "me and Ghastly. Jeez Val how'd you come up with _Sanguine?!"_

Valkyrie looked up at her sheepishly, when Skulduggery walked in alone. She mentally panicked but when she heard someone cluncking up the stairs she relaxed. She watched him take a drink from her coffee and glared up at him through her eyelashes. He sat down next to her on the couch and placed a hand on her thigh.

Tanith watched this whole afair and made a sound, Valkyrie raised her eyes,

"What?"

"Nothing, nothing I just hope me and Ghastly wil be like you guys." she smiled warmly.

"What do you mean 'like you guys,'" Skulduggery asked

"Oh, you know, in love. And not care what people think," Valkyrie and Skulduggery looked at each other, when Sanguine came through,

"Right well, Tanith, I just got a call from Ghastly and he said he's on his way here and, might I add, that he don't want me here when he arrives, so I'll be off, see ya'll later."

xXx

After Tanith and Ghastly left, Skulduggery sighed, got up and started cleaning the kitchen. Once he had finished he went back to the living room where he found Valkyrie asleep on the couch, with one arm above her head and the other resting on her stomach. Her black t-shirt had ridden up and he could see her belly button. lo

He smiled. How on earth did he find someone so amazingly beautiful? He doesn't know but he was glad that he had met Gorden all those years ago, because if he hadn't he would never have met Valkyrie.

He walked over to her, picked her up bridal style and carried her up to their bedroom. She stirred half way up the stairs and blincked up at him. He smiled down at her and she grinned back.

When they were both tucked in bed nice and tightly he asked her a question,

"Why are we not killing Sanguine?"

"Because he was the only one who was willing to help us and so he said he would help us this once then we could go back to killing each other and I agreed."

He sighed.

"What?" She snapped

"Did I ever tell how hard it is loving you?"

"You may have mentioned it once or twice."

"Well just for the record, it is hard loving you."

She looked at him and he looked at her slowly moving towards her and kissed her once on the forhead then again on the lips. He moved her to her back and him on top the kiss never breaking his left hand slowly snaked up her shirt and while his right tangled itself in her hair. She groaned. He smiled. He moved off her and grinned while she caught her breath.

"I love you," She murmmerd then fell asleep in his arms.

"I love you more."


	3. All Over A Hat

Valkyrie ran up to Skulduggery, from behind, and snatched his hat right off from the top of his head. She continued running until she came to the front door of his house, only to find Skulduggery already standing there.

"Give me back my hat." He growled, voice low, calm, collected and dangerous. Even the way he held himself seemed to promise a violent death. She shut the door on his face and ran into the hall, up the stairs and into the bathroom. After making sure the door was locked she climbed out the window.

XxXx

Skulduggery sighed. Why must she be pain in the neck? He opened the door just in time to see her fly into the bathroom. He walked up the stairs and stood in front of the door. He never liked doors. In fact he hated them. He thought about flinging it of it's hinges, then thought against it. If he knew Valkyrie at all then he knew she would be climbing out the window. After all, doors are for people with no imagination.

He walked into the bedroom he had installed for her, sat on her bed, decided that wasn't good enough, lyed down, got comfortable and waited paitentally.

XxXx

Once she had landed, she ran around to the back of the house and walked through the back door. Valkyrie crept around the house, but couldn't find _Skuduggery anywhere._

_Where the hell is he,_ she decided to go up to her bedroom. She stopped, her bed creaked. Someone was on her bed. That someone was going to die. Because no one goes on her bed. Not without her permission. Unless... unless this was Skulduggery waiting in her bedroom. This wasn't a game anymore. This meant war.

_All over a hat,_ she suddenly started laughing she couldn't help it. She was laughing so hard that she didn't see Skulduggery open her door and lean on the doorframe. She was know rolling on the floor gasping for breath as she tried to control her hesterics. All of a sudden she jumped up and ran down the steps and led Skulduggery in a game of cat and mouse.

They ran into the loundroom and she jumped over the couch, landed and continued running. She took a glance back and found out Skulduggery wasn't chasing her anymore. She stiffened. He was up to something. And it was going to hurt. He won't let her get off easy.

She wrenched her hands together and noticed she wasn't holding his hat anymore.

_What the...?_ Where could have she dropped it. She didn't remember dropping it. If Skulduggery had taken she would've seen it or felt the air currents change. She decided to call Tanith for help.

XxXx

Tanith got up from where she was sitting in Ghastly's shop and answered her phone to frightened Valkyrie

"Tanith, I need your help... Its... Its Skulduggery." Valkyrie sounded like she had been running.

Tanith immediatly tensed. If Valkyrie and Skulduggery had been in a fight wiht someone. What if Valkyrie had gotten hurt. Would Skulduggery cope.

"What happened? Are your ok? What's wrong? How is Skulduggery? Are you hurt?"

"I'm fine. Its just... ok this is gonna sound stupid... but me and Skul are at war."

"What? Why?"

"I stole his hat."

"Valkyrie... really I was starting to think that you were actually hurt. Oh my god you had me worried."

"You should be worried, I lost his hat and I can't find him anywhere."

"I'm coming over to help."

Tanith hung up and walked over to where Ghastly was to find him getting the keys to his van.

"Where are you going," she asked, frowning

"Skulduggery just called me he said that him and Valkyrie are at war. I'm going over to help."

Oh the irony of that sentence.

XxXx

After hours of chasing, drying, throwing fire balls and creating title waves of water. Valkyrie decided to end it, she was tired and in desperate need of a shower

"STOP!"

The fight froze and all heads turned to her. Well all heads and skulls turned to her. Skulduggery stalked over to her until they were inches apart, she could herself blushing.

"Miss Cain, I happened to notice that your wearing my hat,"

"Yeah, and whatcha gonna do about it huh?"

"I'm going to tak it back. Now we can do this the hard way or the easy way."

"Whats the easy way?"

"The easy way is that I get me hat back willingly"

"And the hard way?"

"I get it back forcfully."

She gulped then noticed Tanith and Ghastly had left. She was taking too long to reply to Skulduggery, so he answered for her,

"Hard way it is then," he murmmerd.

She was forced to walk backwards untill her back came in contact with the wall. She watched him activate his facade. Then it dawned on her. He was going to seduce her. He grabbed her wrists in one hand and pinned them above her head, his hat in one of her hands.

"If you do anything to me, I'll-"

You'll what?" He inturupted "you'll hurt me? You'll go Darquesse on me?"

"No. I'll burn your hat," she head him take in a sharp breath and mentally grinned.

"You wouldn't," and without further adu he kissed the top of her neck.

"Can I have my back Valkyrie?" His breath fanned out on her skin. But Valkyrie still held her ground.

"No."

"Very well," he started to leav a trail of feather light kisses down her neck, across her collar bone and up the other side. He reached her jaw and kissed under neath before attacking her lips with his own. His right hand claimed her waist while the left inched closer to his hat.

After five full minutes of making out, he ripped his hat right out of her hands and left her panting of the wall, wanting more.

_Stupid self loving basterd._


	4. If I Die

**I came up with this in the shower, enjoy! Skulduggery is human.**

Valkyrie collapsed onto the bed after a refreshing shower. Skulduggery jumped over her and slide underneath the cover. His legs immediatly tangled with hers. He let his hands find her baby bump.

"Hey, Skul?"

"Yes?"

"If I die, you'll have to be strong. You'll have to be there for our baby. You have to keep it safe. Okay?"

Skulduggery went still. When he answered he seemed quiet and spoke each word with hesitation.

"What happened? Are you okay? Your dying?"

"No," she laughed, "just promise me that you'll be there. That you won't become another maas murderer. For me."

He visably relaxed.

"Valkyrie, you listen here. If you die I will guard my baby with _my life._ No one will be able to hurt it. But if it is old enough we will go out together and painfully torture your murderer. Promise!"

She laughed and curled into him. Enjoying the body heat that he gave.

"Thank you. I love you so much."

"I love me too."


	5. Crashing a Wedding

Billy-Ray smiled at his soon to be wife. Soon to be as in like however long it takes to say the vows at a wedding.

She was wearing a black dress. The lace sticking up for a collar. It hugged her chest in black swirling lace. It fanned out at her waist starting off in black with the hem looking like it had been dipped in blood. She looked stunning. Her veil was black with deep blood red slashing through.

Her makeup. She had black smokey eyes and fake eyelashes on. Her eyes looked so evil and he loved it. Her cheekbones were defined and sharp. Her lips. Oh, how he would love to kiss those lips. Black with that deep red slashed through. Her hair had black and red streaks that clashed with her natural blond. It was hanging loosly around her shoulders. Slightly pulled back of her face with a few bobby pins.

All in all she bloody scary. Like a vampire bride.

She glided up the isle with such elegance, you wouldn't have thought of what she was going to do.

Tanith Low smiled sickly at him. She loved to ruin people and this Billy Ray would be no exception.

She finally reached the alter in the old looking church. He smiled. No words could describe the happiness he was feeling. The priest started with boring part, but he couldn't comprehend the words. This Tanith standing in front of was a Devil. The Devil in the disguse of a beautiful woman. Billy Ray was about to marry the freakin Devil. This was going to be_ fun. _

After what seemed like hours the priest started with vows and Tanith made the sign. It was time.

"Do you William Raymond Sanguine take Tanith Low to be your lawfully wedded wife? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?"

"I do."

Now Tanith could ruin his life. She had never loved him. And now that the Remnant had been extracted she could break him.

"Do you Tanith Low take William Raymond Sanguine to be your lawfully wedded husband? To have and to hold from this day forward, for better or for worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish for as long as you both shall live?"

"I don't." She grinned back at his confused expression.

Cleavers rushed out from behind curtains, some with their scythes drawn and ready. Valkyrie Cain stepped up onto the alter and cuffed his hands behind him. By this time the Priest had scurried off. He played his part now he let the big boys play theirs.

Sanguine tried to take himself under ground but he couldn't. He heard Skulduggery Pleasant laugh.

"Oh dear. The reason you can't use your power may be beacause of the new Sigils carved into the metal. We found a way to stop you. Valkyrie."

Valkyrie grinned, "I'm placing you under arrest, with the power from the Sanctuary, for murder, attempted murder, aid in the end of the world, for the assult of a Sanctuary detective. Do you have anything to say to defend yourself? Please be reminded that anything you say will be used against you."

He went to say something but she beat him to it.

"What that means, Sanguine is that you stand there and shut up. _duh._"

They took him to the Santuary and got Tanith out of that ridiculous looking dress.


	6. Jeslousy Part 1

I was a The Jelouse Third Wheel.

At least that's what it felt like. Let me explaine some things. I might take a while.

Kay, well, my name is Valkyrie Cain, and I am partners in crime with Skulduggery. I have personally saved the freakin' world. One would think that impressive no? Skulduggery didn't think shit.

He had this new girlfriend. And well you know how he hates Necromancers and Vampires? Yeah? Well this ugly thing is a vampire with necromancy powers. WTF! How could this happen to me?

She was Tall and Tan and Young and Lovely!

Great! Now I'm quoting Frank Sinatra! Well she was lovely 'round Skul. To me she acted like I was some slave!

Who does that bitch think she is. She can't step up to me. _I'm _the superior one in this _not her._

Anway, I'm currently sitting in Skul's kitchen trying to write when the snob stalks in. It looks at me like I'm it's prey. Well, let me tell you, this is going to be a long hunt darlin'.

"Whatcha doin Sweetypie?" It snarled. Did I fail to mention the nicknames it has for me.

"None that concerns you _Vampire._" It may hate me but let's just say, i dream about brutally murdering it.

It smiled, showing it's pointed teeth. I grimanced. It was _UGLY!_ It is so ugly it hurst my eyes. Shoulda gone to Specsavers...

The following content is to explicit to show.

XOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXOXXOXOXOXOXOXOXOOXOOXOOOXOOXOXOXOXOX

That was _fun._ I just _BASHED THE SHIT OUT OF IT! _

I am feeling pretty damn proud. Oh before I go on let me tell you somthing. Skul is, like, human, and, um, ya know, FREAKIN SEXY!

It was lying unconciouss in the living room. Skul was going to get home soom. I picked it up and placed it on the couch.

I snuck around the back until I heard the Bentley pull up the drive. He got out of the car. The door slammed.

He was in a fowl mood. Perfect.

I heard him stomp around the house then he stopped I heard him say,

"Shit... _**VALKYRIE!"**_

Gotta run, talk later.


	7. Jelousy Part 2

I bolted through the streets. I felt the wind in my hair. The air rushing against my skin. I risked a look back and saw Skulduggery chasing after me. He looked different. And he was gaining.

Fast.

Then I saw what he was doing. The way his fingers curled. Then he would flatten his palm out, and shift his wrist sharply. He was using the air to get to me faster.

Well two can play that game.

I used the air to lift me into the sky. I laughed and soard high in the sky. I felt like an eagle or an owl, wichever was more powerful. Owl I think, even though their, like, the dumbest animal. But if I was an owl...

CRAP! THAT BLOODY HURT!

I tried to turn my head around 380 degrees. I think I broke my neck. Oh, well. Good thing I've still got Grouse the Grouch. I was so happy when they resurected our favourit scientist.

Skulduggery managed to snag my ankle and I lost my balance. We fell through the sky. Plummeting to the ground at an unimaginable speed. He softened our landing, but not enough.

We tumbled through the field, medow, clinging to each other in desperation. We ended up fighting for the top. I grabbed his shoulders and slammed him into the ground.

His face twitched with pain. Good.

"You deliberaty dissobeyed me Simba, and whats worse is that you put Nala in danger too."

He looked up at me, confused. I grinned down at him like a maniac.

"Why are you quoting The Lion King?" His eyebrows notted together and I could practically hear the axles and chugs turning in his pretty little head. Trying to work out why I was being confusing and difficult.

"Can you feel the love tonight."

"No, I can't. Now for the love of God, get off me."

I lost my smile and punched the basterd in the face. Might have knocked some sense into him. But to no avail.

He twisted and repeated my action by grabbing my shoulders. But... He was lifting he towards him. What? He brought me up so close our noses were touching. His eyes flickered down to my lips then he slammed me down to the ground with so much force, I cried out in pain.

"Skulduggery... What the fuck?"

He looked down at me, face twisted into an ugly sneer.

"What do you mean, 'what the fuck' you slam me, I slam you." He was crushing me with his body weight. Tears srung into my eyes, I just managed to keep them at bay.

"Skulduggery. What happened to the man that saved my life? The man that helped me solve my uncle's murder? Where's my Skeleton Detective? Cause he was more of a man you'll ever be."

He looked away.

"I don't know how to get him back. I'm so very sorry Valkyrie." Was all he said before scampering off me and stalking towards town.


	8. Jelousy Part 3

I walked back to Gorden's after what happened with Skul.

Why was he being like this? Whatever it was, I'm getting to the bottom of it. I opened google drive and searched in Vampires with Necro powers. Alot came up. I clicked on Wickepedia.

_Vampires are half human, half beast. They are made for killing and run on blood..._

I backspaced. This was the mortal's version. I sometimes wish they were the vampires we had. Pitty such a pitty.

I searched in the sorcerer website and the link came through and passed it into a page of information. I typed in the password,

_The sparrow flies south for winter._

It transfered to another page and into Ravel's blog. I found the search bar and typed in:

Vampire and Necromancers.

_It was told that in the 14th centrey Necromancer and Vampires worked together. This rumour is true they experimented on mortals. Extracted the blood from a wiling vampire and Necromancer._

_The experiment was a success. They created beings of immense power. They did not need to shed skin at all. And they did not need an object to store their power. They were fast and unbeatable. They were immortal._

_A war broke out and we won. But little did we know was that a child was born the night before and grew up in mortal home. The name of this baby is Phoenix Fireheart. She is dangerous and most likley going to avenger her ancestors. We need to lock her up before she starts to breed. It can be with anyone. A mortal, a sorcerer. She is not to be trusted._

XxX

I wasn't sure if my accusation was correct so I stalked the Vampie down into the street. She walked into an allyway where a man was waiting for her. Dusk

"So you decided to show up, did you Phoenix?" He asked.

I held my breath,_ No_.


	9. Jelousy Part 4

How could this be. Why did this thing have to pick on me and Skul.

_Maybe if you listened you would out._

Oh, shush up.

_How? Your the one talking._

Oh yeah.

"Quit it, Mr Dusk, I have zero tolerance for impaitence. And I had to get the girl and Skulduggery out of the house. She bashed up my reflection. And she fell for it."

Her reflection. Her eyes, I should have known. Her eyes didn't reflect any light. Shit! I feel like such a fucking idiot..

"How are you going with your quest?" I heard Dusk ask, and I zoned into the coversation again.

"Brilliantly. Skulduggery trusts me alot to leave me alone with the girl. And their _unbreakable bond_ is getting tested. I'm loving it."

"When will you make your kill."

"Soon enough, as I said Dusk being impatient will get you no where."

Her phone rang

"Skulduggery! Hello, how are you feeling?"

Her shoulders squared and her relaxed figure tensed. Whatever Skulduggery was saying it was getting on her nerves. Go Skul!

"I'll be there right away." She hung up, and turned back to Dusk.

"What did he want?"

"He said he figured ot out."

"Figured what out."

"I don't know. Be back here tomorrow, same time."

I watched Dusk stalk up to her, and for a lustful minute I thought he was going to hit her. But her took her face in his hands and kissed her. Her hands went around her neck and his hands fell down to her waist. He pulled them flush together.

I ran away before I saw anything disturbing.

_Gotcha..._


	10. Jealousy part 5

I hailed a Taxi and told him to take me too Skulduggery's house. All the way I was hoping that I beat the Vampire there.

His car was the only one in the drive, I hurried up the path and knocked on his door. He wrenched it open and when he saw me standing there he widened the door and ushered me inside.

"Valkyrie, you have to understand, I... I'm sorry if I hurt you. Did I?"

Yes he did. He left hand marks on my shoulders. Kenspeckle is not going to be happy.

"Skulduggery, can we talk about this later. I have something to tell you."

"Yes. Okay tell me and tell me quick."

I was about to tell him when the door clicked open.

"Honey, I'm home!"

Damn that bitch. I looked at Skulduggery and saw his face harden. Wait a sec. Wasn't he in love with her or something?

"Hello, Darling." He said. Damn, I had gotten my hopes up too high. She walked up to him and kissed him full on. I tried my best not to gag but failed miserably.

"Don't like it when Dusk kisses you?" I snarled.

Skulduggery pulled away.

"What?" His voice cold.

"Oh isn't that cute. Little Valkyrie is jealous." She laughed. I walked up to her, grabbed her by the back of the neck and flung her across the room. Skulduggery gasped.

"So what if I am? _Phoenix Fire-heart. _

She growled at me and flung herself at me. He arms wrapping around my midsection and tackling me to the ground. Skulduggery appeared behind her. His hands wrapping themselves around her neck and pulling her off me.

"You do not touch my partner like that. I'm the only one to treat her with disrespect."

She whimpered and nodded slowly. That's when Dusk crashed through the wall.

Skulduggery looked up in surprise and Phoenix took the distraction. She ripped herself away from him and towards Dusk.

"As I am the only one to treat Phoenix like that." Dusk snarled.

There is a lot of snarling and growling going around. And then I woundered if Dusk really does treat her like that. Wouldn't surprise me. Cause I would to.


	11. Jelousy Part 6

**Sorry for not updating in a while, I've been distracted.**

What was that low rumbling noise? It took me a while to relise that it was coming from Skulduggery. He was standing there, hissing and growling like a lion.

It was a funny sight, and I laughed.

And everyone fell for it. Skulduggery turned, Dusk straightened and Phoenix, well Phoenix was just collapsed.

Huh? Was she distracting me from distracting them. Meh. That's when it clicked in my head that I was still bloody laughing. And I could not friggen stop. That's when it clicked in my head _that I had damn mental problems._

I was slowley moving towards the glass table, where Skulduggery's gun currently waiting paitentley, practically begging me to put a bullet through the hearts of both vampires.

Yeah, I seriously need mental help.

Skuduggery soon caught on to what I was doing and fell over.

Wait? Skulduggery fell over? Shit, where's a camera when you need one. It ony made me laugh harder. But as soon as my hand came in touch the the Revolver, I straightened my back, sqaured my shoulders and shut the bloody hell up.

Dusk, who was inching towards Phoenix froze. His black eyes pleading me to stop. To just get over this and let him take Phoenix and himself away from here. But that kind of shit isn't what I did anymore.

I am fucking sick and tired of Dusk's stupid little games, and I have my mind set on killing his little, miserable, sexy ass.

I hamered off the saftey and aimed the gun at the unconciouss vampire first.

"I can make this so much more painful for the both of you, Dusk. So unless you want to be cut to death you are going to stand there, right where you are. And your not going to move a single muscel, cause if you do, God help me, Your death won't be nearly as quick."

Skulduggery looked at me from his place on the floor. I can see the fear so clearly in hiis eyes. That this isn't actually me, that at this very moment in time I am Darquesse. And just before I shoot Phoenix I murmer the words; Be Brave.

And then I'm shooting her and Skulduggery is lunging at Dusk, who lunges at me.

And the bullet hits him sqaure in the chest. Everything froze. And the first thing that came to mind was how in movies they put everything in slow motion to make it look cooler.

He looks at me, eyes black and showing so much emotion, that I want to know what he's thinking.

I heard someone else groan. That stupid little bitch on the floor. I shot her in the leg and that groan turned into a scream. And as much as I enjoying listening to her in agony, it was giving me a headache, so I put it out of it's misery and turned my attention back to Dusk.

Who is know dead on the floor beside his lover.

And I am alive standing beside my lover. Who turns to me just as my vision starts to blur.


	12. Jelousy Part 7

**Thanks for the reviews guys.**

Dark. It was dark. Everything was black. Just swirling black with the occasional grey here and there.

And you know how people say that when you die your life flashes before your eyes.

Well that's what happened. Everything. Gordan's funeral, meeting Skulduggery, I even saw me and Fletcher and how it felt to have someone kiss me like that. Then I heard a voice.

It was a lovely voice, soft, velvety.

It filled me with so much hope that I started fighting this blackness. I can't leave Skulduggery like this. I don't even know what happened to me. Why am I dying. Skulduggery.

I heard a gasp.

"Valkyrie can you hear me? Please... Just say it louder... Val...don't leave...you have to keep fighting..."

I blacked out again. My life repeated itself again before my eyes.

I was going to die.


	13. Jealousy Part 8

Now it was a bright light. A light so bright it managed to penetrate this unending darkness.

A light and a shadow, a shadow wearing a hat.

"Valkyrie?" He had such a velvety voice.

Then it hit me and I frowned. Who was Valkyrie? Was he addressing me?

"Who... Who is Valkyrie?"

He suddenly turned and I heard a door slam. A shabby old man taking his place, and stood over me.

"Valkyrie Cain. That is your name. And I am Kenspeckle Grouse. Do you remember anything at all. Where your from? How old you are?"

"No. Who was that man?"

"His name is Skulduggery Pleasant."

At the mere mention of his name I started to remember. And I smiled at the scientist.

"Kenspeckle? Do you know where Skulduggery might have went."

"He is just outside."

I smiled and jumped out of the bed. I ran towards my soul mate.


	14. Jelousy Part 9

He was slumped against the wall oposite the door, and he looked up expectantly when he heard the door swing shut.

I stood there, not being able to do much else. I could see his eyes rake over my body. He jumped up and started to walk away, as if looking at me was to hard. But I remember everything.

"Skulduggery...wait!"

He froze, and turned around very, very, _very_ slowly.

"Do you remember?" He asked quietly and I smiled and nodded.

He ran towards me and picked me up by the waist. Holding me close to his body. And I relished in the feel of his heat. I felt all tingly and warm being this close to him. I was in love with this stupid bastered. I actually love him.

He set me back down on my feet and gently cupped my face in his hands. His thumbs skimming over my cheekbones. His green eyes seemed to be searching mine. He was looking into them so deeply I felt like he was looking into my soul.

Then ever so slowly he brought his face to mine. Brushing our lips together, asking for permission. I complied by pushing into him hard.

I finally have my lover.

Skulduggery Pleasant belonged to me.

Skulduggery Pleasant loved me more then anything else in the world.

Mostly, I don't think anything could come before his love for himself.

**Phew. That was hard work. It is finally up, the last chapter of Jelousy.**


	15. Unusual Food Combinations

**This is for the JellyFishSisters, as requested. Enjoy. Par two of, If I Die.**

Valkyrie groaned. She got up and walked downstairs and made some coffee. As she waited for the kettle to boil she thought about baby names.

She really liked Valkyrie Number 2. Because, quite frankly, She was amazing.

She walked over to the fridge and grabbed the pickles, she put them down on the bench and went to grab a bowl when two hands slipped around her.

"What are you going to do with pickles. You _hate_ pickles." Said Skulduggery.

She shrugged. "I don't know. I was thinking about pickles dipped in Nutella."

He let go of her and she turned.

"What?"

"What do you mean what? Did you hear yourself? _Pickles and Nutella, seriously. Are you kiddding me._ Valkyrie, this has to be the weird food cravings. You'll make yourself sick."

"Meh. I'll survive."

Then she walked away humming Surviver, by Destiny's Child.

...

_**Later that evening...**_

Skulduggery sighed as he held his wife's hair behind her head. He warned her she would get sick, but she didn't listen.

_No surprise there,_ he thought.

He sighed again as she slumped against the bath. He looked down at her and she glared.

"Don't say anything. You were wrong, you just jinxed me, because your a bitch. And I hate you."

"But of course dear. But must I remind you. Having a ba-"

"No you mustn't remind me. I remember," Valkyrie took a deep breath as she mimicked Skulduggery's voice, _"Having a baby is all about responsibility, and if you keep eating rediculous foods you will not only make yourself sick, but the baby as well," _she went back to her own voice, "blah, blah, blah."

Skulduggery looked at her, horrified.

"I do _not sound like that"_

"Pfft, sure about that. That's how you now days. Not that velvety now is it?"

"That may be so, but at least I don't sound like a dying cat."

"Whatever."

He sighed, bent down to pick her up and carried her to the bedroom. Once they were both tucked in nice and tightly he said,

"Please don't be a bed hog tonight."

But Valkyrie was already fast asleep.


	16. This Could Only Be Love Part 1

**Any of you wondered why Derek called Sanguine, Sanguine? Well wonder no more, Because I think I know why.**

**So you know how throughout the books Sanguine can be so laid back and just not give a damn about anything?**

**That's what sanguine means. Not caring, doing whatever.**

**When I found out, I was like; Yup that pretty much sums him up.**

**And for those who already new this, this is my message to you; You're a clever dick, Great Job!**

Valkyrie sighed. She was alone at Skulduggery's, he was out on a date with China. He was always on dates with China these days. But she wasn't allowed to date anyone. Not even one of the Dead Men. Skulduggery had spacifically said;

_When your not in love you can't get hurt. You must never fall in love Valkyrie, it will tear you apart. It will kill you slowly. Discreetly. You must stay hard and never go soft for anyone; Love is weakness. Sick people will use it against you, and make you choose your life or theirs. When you don't love someone you won't make the wrong desicion. I forbid you to date._

He might as well have been quoting that book she recently read. _City Of Bones_. Jace's father had said; To love is to destroy, to be loved is to be the one destroyed.

She had protested of course, but he just said not to wait up and went to pick up China for another bloody date! But she had already fallen in love anyway, and no matter how much she hated him she would risk anything for this man.

She had loved this man ever since he saved her life from a human fireball.

But Skulduggery was right. It was killing her, and she could do nothing to stop it.

...

Skulduggery came home late. Valkyrie had been reading in her room when the front door slammed and lights were punched on. She crept out of bed and sneaked down the hall.

"Skulduggery?" She asked softly.

He turned around to glare at her.

"What?" He snapped and she flinched. He noticed and stayed still for a few minutes,"do you want?" He continued, softer.

"Are you okay? You don't seem to be yourself. Skulduggery, please tell me what happened, I hate it when your like this... just tell me your alright."

"You want me to lie to you? You want me to tell you that everything is alright when it's not?Valkyrie what kind of person do you take me for?"

She lowered her eyes, ashamed.

"I...I'm sorry...I...didn't me...didn't mean t...to upset you..." She stuttered.

"Right. Do you want a hot chocolate?"

"Yes...yes please."

She sat down at the bench and watched him pour in the milk.

"Are you going to tell me what happened?" She asked, feeling more confident.

"Soon." Was all he said, as he placed two marshmellows in both cups. He handed her one and sat across from her.

She leaned forward and counted the gold flecks in his green eyes. Though she would never tell him.

His eyes searched hers,

"What are you thinking?" He questioned.

"Lot of clever little things," she smiled, and his sombre mood seemed to brighten up a bit.

"Valkyrie..." he murmmered.

"Yes?"

"What are you doing to me? Why are you doing this to me? You have to stop. Please."

She pulled back slightly and looked at him, confused. His eyes were screwed shut and his mouth was a tight, thin line. Eyebrows furrowed in anger.

He sounded so desperate. So melancholy, that she stood and walked around to him.

"Skul... I think its time for you to head up to bed."

She reached out for his arm, but he jerked away from her touch. Like she was poison.

She recoiled, dropping her arm where it smacked against her thigh. Her paicience wearing extremely thin.

"Skulduggery! You either stop acting like an immature thirteen year old who just got dumped, or grow up and tell me what the fuck is wrong with you! I've had enough of this distance between us. What we had to what we have now."

Skulduggery turned and looked at her for a long time. And just as she was about to storm upstairs he said, so very quietly,

_"What did you just say to me?"_

She looked back at him and instantly regretted her outburst. She could get over hers, his, not so much.

"You obviousy heard me, so when you think your old enough to speak about this, you can find me at Gorden's. But don't think I'm gonna let you in that easily, so god help me, its you that needs to open up and let me in."


	17. This Could Only Be Love Part 2

Skulduggery watched her walk to the front door, gobsmacked. He had never seen this side of Valkyrie before. He had thought that he knew her well.

_Obviously not._

He couldn't move, something had overcome him. He silently watched his secret love walk out the door and down the long drivway.

_GO TO HER YOU STUPID MAN!_

That voice in his bloody head, acctually made sense sometimes.

_Sometimes!? What do you mean sometimes? Its because of me that your a good detective. Now fucking hell go to her, before I kill you!_

Who was he to say no?

He scurried out the door, to find Valkyrie no where.

_Damn! That fiesty bitch is fast. But not fast enough. C'mon Skul, lets go catch up to her._

He hurried down the road, but she was nowhere to be found.

_Maybe she caught a cab? Now Skulduggery don't start thinking that she was killed. You dont want to jinx her. Unless, of course, you want her dead?_

NO!

Exactly. Now as I wa- Wait did you hear that. It came from the bushes.

He turned, to find Valkyrie standing there. Then she burst out laughing, for no apparent reason.

_Skulduggery... I... I think she's gone mad._

"Oh...(gasp)...my...(gasp)...god...(wheez)...you...(giggle)...you... You were taling to yourself!"

"What? Valkyrie, maybe you need to learn how to speak again. All I head was you, gasping for air, as you giggled uncontrollably. Now compose yourself, and tell me why you've gone mental."

"You...(sigh)...It looked like you were talking to yourself. Honest."

"...Oh..."

"Yeah."

Hopefully she had forgotten that she was mad at him, and they could go back to the way things were.

"Skulduggery, just because I caughed you having a conversation with yourself doesn't mean I forgot why I'm out here in the first place. Are you going to tell me what happened?"

"China killed my family. I was a little pissed, sorry if I made you upset. You should know that I would never hurt you."

"Right."

They started walking back to Skulduggery's house.


	18. This Could Only Be Love Part3

**Lots and lots and lots and lots of cute Valduggery ahead. We need it. **

**So prepare for a Valduggery onslaught.**

**(I may or may not be over exaggerating)**

She had somthing to tell him. Would she be able to? She was defying his number one rule, after all.

She took in his appearance as they walked. The way she could see his muscles coil underneath his skin as he took, long strides. He was a fighter. And a ruthless one at that. His dark hair ruffled lightly as a breeze brushed past them. His green eyes scanning the area, looking out for any threats.

Or anyone who might have heard him talking to himself.

She laughed quietly at the memory, from just moments before.

He turned his head towards her, the unspoken question written clearly on his face. She shook her head. That was unimportant in comparison to what she was about to say.

XXX

He watched her as they walked. Her strong arms and even stronger legs, tense. Her dark hair flowing down her back to stop just shy of her waist. Her chocolate eyes on high alert, and shining in the moonlight. She was a beautiful creature. A sculpture of prettyness. She definetly made China run for her money.

He ridded himself of that name. He didn't want to be thinking about her, when he had his dark angel walking beside him.

_Well, aren't you just impressive. Never thought you had a romantic side. You surpised me there. Which is disturbing, considering I am you._

Shut up.

_Why am I killing the mood?_

YE-

"Your doing it again."

She spoke, her voice soft and teasing. He looked down at her.

"Doing what?"

"Talking to yourself."

"How do you know?"

"Your face. It changes expression. As though you talking to someone in your head," she paused looking at him, a smirk on her face, "and yet, you say I'm the one with mental issues." She laughed, an angelic laugh. And he went weak. His mind calming. His mood brightening.

_EWW! Skulduggery Pleasant please don't tell me that you've gone all mushy. I hate mushy. Here say this..._

Damn, Skulduggery had to admit it, his voice was good. Maybe even Grand if he was feeling generous.

"Valkyrie Cain. A very creative chosen name. But I have to ask you what made you thing of it?"

"Well I got Cain from raising cain, which you said i had a habit of doing. And Valkyrie, I don't really know. One morning a song called The Valkyries was playing as I kind of stuck. Why?"

"You'll see."

They had arrived at his house and were climbing the stairs to his bedroom. She stopped at the door, but he didn't have it and pushed her inside.

She tripped and fell onto his bed. And she grabbed onto him. And fell on top of her. And it was _AWKWARD!_

Skulduggery couldn't hold back any longer, seeing her like this. It set him off. He kissed her feverishly.

xxx

She gasped but kissed him back, just as passionatly.

Had... had he fallen for her as she had fallen for him?

"Skulduggery..." she murmered as he kissed down her neck.

He was acting on instincs now. And she was at his beck and call. He pulled her top off and over her head. His hands traveling behind her to unclasp her bra, before she stopped him.

She wasn't sure, but she didn't want it to be like this.

"Trust me Valkyrie."

"I do, trust you its just I'm not ready."

"Okay, well you tell me when you are. Kapeesh?"

She laughed, "Kapeesh."

He took of his shirt and pants, leaving only his boxes on. The proceeded in taking off her shorts, kissing her thighs. Her hands burying themsleves in his hair.

She moaned, as he traveled closer. Then back down again to her ankles, before he flipped her over and kissed her back.

Once he had kissed every inch of bare skin he looked at her. Moaning and panting on his bed. Their eyes locked and in that moment she knew she was ready for this.

"Are you sure?" He asked and she nodded. No use backing out know.

He kissed her deeply and before she knew it he was lined up.

And he introduced her into a night full of so much overwhelming love she cried.


	19. The Not So Handsome Skeleton

**Replies;**

**China Sorrows 400, Thank you for telling me that, sometimes I just suck at English. And I'm in advance english at school, I should know better. I think my brain still thinks its on holidays. Thanks for telling.**

**A Skeleton In A Fez, I have to say I love your username. Thankyou for saying that it was cute. I tried so hard not to make it seem a bit, weird. I know I felt weird writting it. And yes I don't think Valkyrie understood that Skulduggery was emotional, but for some reason I love it when these two fight. I'm a very unusual person.**

**Oh one last thing, if any of you guys want me to write anything, please say so. I need ideas, I come up with a lot in the shower, but when I step out of the bathroom, it all flies away. Please Suggest something that you would like to see!**

Valkyrie, for lack of a better word, was bored. She needed something to do. She picked up her phone and called Skulduggery. It was times like this that she wished Tanith was still here.

Tanith.

Oh how Valkyrie missed her. Skulduggery picked up on the first ring.

"Valkyrie." He said in greeting.

"Hey Skul, can I come around?"

"Why?" His voice went teasing, "are you bored and in need of my wounderful presence?"

She sighed. She didn't need this now, "Skulduggery, I can see that ego of yours from here. I'll be around in about half an hour."

"See you then, pretty lady. Oh and I have a suprise for you, so be quick."

He hung up before she could question him, as to what that suprise could be.

She got dressed in a rush and jumped down the stairs three at a time. She grabbed her car keys off the bench and jumped in the Oompa Loompa.

She pulled up Skulduggery's drive way.

And when she got out of the car she met a very excited Tanith Low.

"Valkyrie! I'm not going to say I missed you, because last time I remember anything, I was with you... _But_... Dr Nye found a way to extract the remnant! And now I'm back! And now you can stop missing me! And now you can tell how much you love Skulduggery! And now I'm dating Ghastly! And now," she lowered her voice, "we can go prank them both..."

Valkyrie grinned. She missed this. She was about to reply when the impatiant blonde grabbed her wrist and pulled her round the back.

"Now I think that Skulduggery's ego need to shrink a little bit. So we are going to humilliate him so bad, he won't be able to talk for a week."

"Seems legit,"said the evil grinning girl.

XXX

"So, Ghastly, what's it like to finally have Tanith back?"

"Uh... Do I have to answer that question?"

"Yes. Yes, you do."

"Well, I might as well be honest with you. It feels amazing. When she was gone everything felt... Melancholy. Ya know? No you probably wouldn't. But anyway, I felt like there was a growing void in my chest, everyday that she was gone. Then she came back, and it closed back up. And, I thank God that it did. I was so sure it was going to swollow me whole."

XXX

Valkyrie and Tanith crept into the kitchen, and started planning on how scare, two of the most bravest men in the world.

"We should so use permanate marker."

"YES!"

"Hmm, what could we do to the other one?"

"Wigs, makeup, Girly clothes..."

XXX

"When do you think you'll ask her?"

"I don't know. We still haven't had our steak. So I think I'll leave it until we've had at least four dates."

"Nooooo."

"What?"

"Ask her tonight."

"No. That would just be awkward. I don't like awkward. It's really awkward."

"Bespoke, you shouldn't use that word so many times. It's confusing... You ask yours tomorrow night, and I'll ask mine. Deal?"

Ghastly looked at Skulduggery's outstretched hand for a moment, before grasping it in his, in a firm, manly hand shake.

"Deal."

XXX

After Skulduggery and Ghastly parted ways, Valkyrie and Tanith put there plan in action.

XXX

Ghastly awoke. Tonight, he would ask Tanith to marry him. A moonlit dinner, by a lake somewhere. Maybe Fletcher could be the Taxi, so long as he went away right after.

He pushed himself off the bed and walked into the kitchen, to find Tanith sitting in a chair, reading the paper.

"Morning." He said casually.

"Good Morning, Elder Bespoke."

He groaned. Valkyrie and Skulduggery had gotten over the stupid nicknames, like,

Elder Bespoke.

Sir.

Your Highness.

But, unfortunatly, Tanith has never had the time, and she was planning on catching up. He smiled at her and warmed the kettle.

"How are you feeling?"

Her face softened, "Ghastly, I'm sorry for anything that I may have done while I as a remnant. And for some reason I'm remembering some stuff. Like Darquesse, and my need to protect her. Billy Ray and my need to have sex with him," he flinched, "but that doesn't mean I don't love you, kay? Cause, I do. Ya know? Even though you look like a total idiot, wearing a dress and a blonde wig. But, hey, a guy has to do what a has to do, right?" She grinned at him. And he almost forgave her._ Almost._

"I hope you can run, Low. Because if I find out you had anything to do with this..." He let the end of his sentence hanging in the air. He picked up the hem of the dress, and sighed. At least he still had his bloomers.

Tanith pulled out a camera and took a picture of Elder Bespoke looking at his underwear. Which he wore beneath a bright, sparkly farytale dress.

XXX

Skulduggery, rose gracefully from his meditating chair and walked into the kitchen. Contemplating over the dream he just had.

It was very unusual dream. A frog turned into a giant rabbit, that started to eat humans. And it was up to him to save all of humanity.

He arrived at the kitchen, then promtly turned around to walk back into the lound room. Figuring he didn't even need to got into the kitchen. He didn't even need a kitchen. But a certain lady had begged him to get one.

And food.

And a bathroom.

And a bedroom.

And a T.V.

He walked over to his reckord player and pressed play. Frank Sinatra, Fly Me To The Moon rang out into the air.

Skulduggery started to sing along with the words, while he walked into his hat room.

"Fly me to the moon, let me play among the stars. Let me see what sprin is like on a-Jupiter and Mars. In other words hold my hand, in other words, baby, ki-"

Skulduggery looked at his had stand in sock horror. Someone had ripped his hat. His poor, beloved hat. And it was his favourite hat too. He even named it Jessica, because it looked like a Jessica. And now his dear Jessica was ripped to buggery. Unable to be worn.

Skulduggery carefully picked up his hat and put it in the cabnet, where he stored all his fvourite hats.

Chloe, had been burnt.

Fiona, had been shot.

Bella, had been stabbed.

And now Jessica, who had died a very heroic death, while he was dreaming about evil bunnies.

Skulduggery turned to look at himself in the mirror, expecting to ook suave and handsome. Only he didn't. He had losser written across his gleaming skull. And the handwritting looked awfully familiar.

Valkyrie Cain

_Paybacks a bitch, Val..._


	20. What Does Bongo Know About You?

**For those of you who don't know what BONGO is(lucky people) it is this thing on Facebook where you can text them a name and suburb and they tell you everything about that person.**

**I can't believe no one has thought of doing this.**

Saracen sat down at his desk chair with some chocolate cake, and a can of coke. He is always getting told to lay of the junk but every time it makes him sad. And that so called junk is the only thing that is there for him. That and Facebook.

He went on to his page Bongo Knows, he was famous because of this page and his powers, he just hoped that his dear Dexter Vex didn't find out about his page. That would end a total disaster, and then Saracen wouldn't be able to eat his food in peace.

He got a text message on his work phone. It was from a Jessica Simpson, and she was asking about Justin Bieber.

He texted her back.

**Okay, Jessica, here is what Bongo Knows about Justin. He is gay, the rumors were true he is gay and Selena Gomez is his cover up girlfriend. So people don't suspect anything. His song Boyfriend wasn't even written to anyone, and the person that everyone thinks is Justin in the video clip, isn't actually him. It is a clone of sorts, because Justin didn't want to touch a girl in that manner. Smart boy.**

She replied with:

_Cool thanks, does Selena know that she is his cover up girlfriend? And also, how'd you know what my name is, I didn't tell you._

**Yes Selena knows, and as to answer your question, Bongo Knows all.**

_Oh, okay then. I have to ask you a couple more questions, if that's okay with you._

Saracen started nodding, then he realized she couldn't see him and texted her back.

**Fire away.**

_Are you a stalker? Do you know a Dexter Vex? Who are you? What is your name? Do you have a name? How do you know all this? Are you a stalker?_

His eyes lingered on the name Dexter Vex for a while, as he lived back through memories of himself and his beloved Dexter Vex.

He went to text back, but her number dissipated. He shrugged and walked back into the kitchen for more chocolate cake. When his phone beeped.

_Hi, is this that Bongo Knows thing?_

He hurried back into the lounge room.

**Yes it is.**

_Right well my name is Valkyrie Cain and I'm currently solving a crime, but we don't know where the guy is soo yeah. Me and my partner thought this would be a good idea. Do you know the whereabouts of William Raymond Sanguine?_

Saracan stared blankly at the screen, Valkyrie Cain. He had heard that name somewhere. Valkyrie Cain, Valkyrie Cain. Then it clicked. Valkyrie was like his best friend. Rue's thoughts drifted to Skulduggery, well maybe not best friend. Second best friend, then his thoughts went to Tanith, third best friend. Ghastly, Fourth best friend.

Saracen pouted, okay so they weren't best friends, but they were close.

_Hello, are you there?_

**Yes, sorry Val.**

Then he realized his mistake. Sanguine was in gaol, where he couldn't escape. Shit.

_I knew it, Skulduggery reckoned that this Bongo Knows was just a thing to get people's money, but I said that it was Saracen and I was right._

**Whatever Val, go you. Now go away I have cake to eat, and people to greet.**

He continued to scowl at his phone when there was knock on his door. He opened it to find a very handsome Dexter Vex and he created a distraction for Saracen all night long.


	21. Turn Me to Jelly

**Thank you to LIONSANDTROLLS, for reviewing. Here is what you requested sorry if it doesn't reach your expectations. Sorry for the long wait, I needed to get this to perfection.**

Valkyrie smiled at Skulduggery as he smashed the watermelon against the ground, at having needing to eat, he was very demanding when he got hungry. But then he was always demanding.

"Was that really necessary Skulduggery?"

"Yes," he stated matter of factly. "It was Valkyrie." He glared at her and she backed away, admitting defeat.

"What?" He asked.

She raised an eyebrow at him.

"The great Valkyrie Cain, not talking back. There's a first." He grinned her and her insides turned to jelly. She covered up her jelliness by glaring at him, herself. He stalked up to her, crooked grin still in place, and she started to walk backwards until her back came into contact with the wall.

"You know I'm only joking...right?" He murmured. Breath fanning out against her skin. His hands landing either side of her head, trapping her there.

She didn't reply, she couldn't. She didn't want him to think that he was her weakness. He was now officially human again, and he changed. Something came back that wasn't there while he was a skeleton. He was crankier, sexier and scarier. The way his mood swings changed, Skulduggery Pleasant was now the source of her nightmares.

She was terrified at how quickly she forgave him, even when he called her and evil bitch.

He was also looking at women. She had found him making out with China the other days, and she had forgiven him because he made out with her neck, and she couldn't stand being mad at him for any longer.

"Valkyrie?"

She realized she had been staring at his lips, not doing anything. She shook her head, like she was waking up from a daze.

"Sorry, what?"

She looked up into his black eyes. They seemed to be darker then the hollow eye sockets she got used to looking in. A certain quote ran through her mind

_The eyes are the windows to the soul._

And he had the darkest eyes she had ever seen.

Lord Vile.

She had to remember who he was, and what he could do. He wouldn't hurt her would he?

"Valkyrie!" He snapped. "Stop bloody ignoring me!"

She flinched and looked at him. His brown hair had fallen from behind his ears and was now hanging in front of his eyes, eyes squinted and hard, lips apart, ragged breathing.

He smashed his lips into hers. Once again demanding. She pushed him off her, and glowered.

"What are you doing?"

He sucked on her neck. She felt like he was sucking the blood out of her. She leaned her head against the wall, already forgetting about 5 seconds ago. He was like a drug. A drug she couldn't survive without. He was addictive, and dangerous but she couldn't stop. It was worse then anything else, and she felt so hollow without him.

His left hand fell to her waist wrapping itself around her and lifting her up.

One arm around her legs the other around her mid section. She wound her own arms around his neck and kissed his jaw. He stopped walking, turned around and walked into the lounge room and dropped her on to the couch. He stood over her watching her like she was a mission. A mystery. A mystery that was taking him a while to figure out.

She grabbed his collar and pulled him down on top of her.

He wedged his knee between her legs and brought his lips to hers. They had been going out before he turned human, and when he was just using his facade he was gentle and loving. Now he was rough and charming and careless and needy.

He gripped her waist and pulled away. He dropped his head onto her chest, laying there breathing in short breathless breaths. His hand seemed to grip her waist tighter as he squeezed his eyes shut.

She ran her hands through his hair.

"Skulduggery...? Are you alright?"

He didn't answer, but he jumped off her and turned his head away. His eyes still sealed shut, and shaking his head like he was shaking away voices.

"No no no no no no..."

"Skulduggery...?" She got up and walked over to him. "Skulduggery, please tell me what's wrong..."

Her hand reached out for his but he pulled it away and grabbed her by the throat, pinning her to the wall.

"Vile...?" She breathed, frowning as pure horror seeped it's way into her facial features.

Skulduggery's eyes widened and he fell away from her.

"Valkyrie you need... you... you need... to get away from...me..." He let his shoulders fall and he slumped to the ground, eyes closing again.

She sank to her hands and knees and crawled over to him. She stopped near his head and lifted it to rest in her lap.

"Skulduggery, is it Vile?"

He opened her eyes to look up at her. Disbelief, love and anger mixing through them.

"I'll ask again, is it Vile?"

He continued to look at her, before flipping them over on the floor. Pinning her arms by her sides in one hand, while the other grabbed and violated her waist. He was going to seriously bruise her if this didn't stop. He trailed feather light kisses along her left collar bone, being gentle.

His hand, left her waist to creep up her shirt. Playing with the hem before trailing his fingers down her spine. Then he splayed his hand across the small of her back, feeling as much skin as possible. He unpinned her hands so he could cup the back of he head. Thumb skimming over her ear.

His lips were warm on her cold skin, they seemed to leave a trail of fire in their wake. Destroying everything. And they were. Skulduggery Pleasant knew how to kiss. And those kisses were intoxicating...

She didn't know how she did it, but she managed to straddle him and returned the favor. She kissed along his jaw line, like she had done plenty of times to the smooth bone underneath the skin that was rough with stubble.

She ran her hands down his chest, then up underneath his black t-shirt. What was she going to do with him? She suckled on his Adam's apple and he growled. A sound deep from in his chest and it vibrated against her tongue and she sighed. He flipped them back over and stood, lifting her up into his arms. She was giddy and excited as he carried her to her bedroom.

"You're not very nice." She said.

"No, I'm not."

"You used to be."

"That was an act," he looked down at her and stopped walking, "Valkyrie I'm not the same person I used to be, okay? When I was a skeleton I didn't... I didn't think I would ever get this opportunity again. And I want to do this. To do you."

She stared up at him through her eyelashes, and he stared back at her. Finally she gave up and sighed.

"Then why are we still standing around, looking pretty?"

"My thoughts exactly."

He started walking towards her bedroom again. The door was oped and bed was unmade, he set her down and lifted her top, looking at her permission, she nodded and he kicked the door shut and pushed her against it...


	22. Australian Vacation Part 1

**Skulduggery+Pleasant=Human**

**If you don't get that Skulduggery is human.**

Valkyrie jumped and fist pumped the air.

"Valkyrie, why are you so happy. Its to early in the morning."

Valkyrie ran over to the bed and straddled him.

"Skulduggery! We're going on a dolphin and whale watch cruise."

"What?" He wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer. She rested her head against his chest, breathing heavily.

"We're going on a-"

"Yes, dear, I heard you. What I meant was what do you mean?"

"Oh, okay." She sat up and looked down at him, "well I was reading FanFiction last night and an advertisement popped up saying HALF PRICE ON ALL MOONSHADOW CRUISES. And even better its in AUSTRALIA!"

She started fist pumping the air again, got off Skulduggery and left the room, calling,

"Get packing, we're leaving tomorrow!"

She bounded down the stairs and danced into the kitchen. She jumped up and down while grabbing breakfast.

"We're going to Australia. We're going to Australia. We're going to Australia."

She was sitting down at the table when Skulduggery trudged down the stairs. She got up and threw her arms around his neck.

He quickly wrapped his own arms around her waist and pulled her flush against him.

"Oh, Valkyrie," he said when she couldn't keep still, "What am I going to do with you?"

"I know! I know!"

"What do you know, dear?"

"I know what you can do with me." She said slowly.

"I was a rhetorical question, dear. What have I told you about thinking?"

"Uhh, nothing?"

"Anyway, What am I going to do with you?"

"Um, I forgot." She laughed into his chest.

"Valkyrie." He said his warning.

"I swear, I forgot."

She giggled as he lifted her up over his shoulder, and she curled her hands into fists and thumped them against his back as he started walking around in quick circles.

"Let me down! Let me down! Let me down! Skulduggery!" She screamed as he got faster. Eventually he set he down on the couch and landed on top of her.

"So, Val, explain to me what exactly is happening"

Valkyrie sat up slightly and reached into her back pocket, pulling out a brocher. She handed it to Skulduggery.

"Your ultimate cruise experience?" He raised a skeptical eyebrow but Valkyrie merely smiled.

Skulduggery put on a deep, conning voice, "Port Stephen's Largest and Best..." He opened the Brocher further and it expanded into 6 six folded pages advertisements on each one. He looked at them all.

Dolphin Watch, Whale Watch, Broughton Island, Twilight Dinner Cruise, Newcastle Harbor Sights and Sounds, and Newcastle Dinner Cruise.

"Which on are we going on?"

"Whale Watch."

He went back his mimicking voice.

"Includes bonus dolphin watch and outer island cruise. Experience the ULTIMATE whale watching adventure. Comfortable all weather inside areas..." He scanned the page and his eyes widened. "Valkyrie its sixty three bloody dollars!"

"Yes I saw that, but its half price so tickets would be..." She looked at him expectantly.

"$35.05"

"Exactly. So can we go?"

He kissed her and murmured, "I suppose."


	23. Australian Vacation Part 2

**I've decided that Val and Skul are also married in this.**

**Replies;**

**LIONSANDTROLLS, sorry! I'm so sorry I'll try to update more, I'm just so busy with reading this new book and I can't put it down. Have you heard of the Breathing Series. I love it. Its really good. And again I'll try to put more kissing and such and I will do one where Valkyrie has to save Skulduggery from Lord Vile and to do so she has to do a couple of things... Thanks for the review!**

**SKELETON IN A FEZ, No its not, is it? Especially with a new character I decided to add...wait I'm spoiling this.**

Valkyrie and Skulduggery walked hand in hand towards the massive private jet plane. The massive private jet plane which they will be on for the next 3 days. The pilot was middle aged and good looking with dark short cropped hair and light blue eyes.

"Hello," He said cheerily as they approached, "I'm Jarryd Dythes and I will be your pilot. Please watch your step."

He gestured to the stairs and as the ascended Skulduggery's lips brushed Valkyrie's ear as he whispered, "I don't need to watch my step, I'm far to graceful."

She looked up at him and nodded.

"HMPH!"

She looked back and saw the hostess helping Skulduggery up. She laughed. Hard. Skulduggery wasn't so graceful after all. She pushed her suitcase into the plane and walked down a few steps to grab Skulduggery.

She glared at the hostess and the hostess glared back. Whatever. She rolled her eyes and help Skulduggery and laughed at him again as he stumbled around.

"Sir, would you like drink of water?" Asked the hostess, she was pretty. Real pretty. She had long blond hair that was dead straight and in a pony tail that brushed her hips. She had dark blue eyes and full pink lips.

Skulduggery looked her up and down, then glanced at Valkyrie. What she was wearing was getting to him as well as her smooth and husky voice. She was wearing a short skirt with black shiny business shoes on and a low cut top that hugged her curves and ,and her breasts look impossibly big.

"No thanks, darling, I'll be right." He wrapped his arm around Valkyrie and carried his suit case in the other. They entered the plane. It was huge!

Beige coloured walls, that looked like melting ice cream. Brown fluffy carpet, that was soft as silk. Two long suede couches that ran along the side of the plane. An arch way that had pretty beads hanging from, led into a bedroom. A large double bed, that looked cosy as hell and a spa on the other end.

Valkyrie gasped. It was...well it was beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. She forgot about her suitcase and collapsed onto the bed. Throwing black and silver pillows every where. Burying her head in the satin sheets and rolling over until she almost fell off. She looked back into time to see Skulduggery put the cases into a cupboard.

"Skulduggery...thank you." She breathed.

He walked over and sat on the end of the bed cross-legged. "You're welcome." He said with a tilt of his head.

She crawled over to him and sat on his lap, throwing her arms around his neck and burying her head into the little crook of where is neck joined his shoulder.

"Skulduggery, this is absolutely amazing."

"So you've said at least, what, a thousand times?"

She shook her head sadly and slapped his chest.

"No, silly, more like two thousand times. But then again it is. You've really out done yourself this time, Skul. It is beautiful. I never thought I'd say that about a plane, but, well, there is a first time for everything." She kissed his neck, "But seriously, how did you afford this?"

"A little money."

"A little?!"

"Valkyrie, when I was a skeleton I didn't need to use money and I collected a lot of it. Never thought I might need it but... Valkyrie, you deserve this. You need a break."

"Thanks, Skulduggery. I love you so much." Then she said quietly, "This is so awesome."

"I love you too, Valkyrie, I really do."

Valkyrie sat there for a minute thinking of how she could ever repay him, when she got an idea. "Hey, Skul?" She asked wryly.

"Yes?" He asked slowly, worried of what she could possibly have come up with.

"I have a few nick names for, but I think we should conclude to one."

"Okay, name a few."

"Right. Well there is Egotistical Bastard, Skul, Skuttlebug, Skully Wully, Evil Person, Skully, Unpleasant, Bony, Skrully, Skellington, Jack, Bob, Weirdo, Maniac, Stupid and Skulluggy!"

Skulduggery cringed. "I am not Unpleasant. And how on earth did you come up with Bob? Do I look like a Bob? I'm only a maniac when I want to be. I am not an egotistical bastard, so that is just stupid. Stupid just damages my wonderful reputation of being witty. And everything else is just absolutely ridiculous, so why don't we just stick with Skulduggery?"

"Whatever Skuttlebug." Valkyrie murmmered falling asleep in his arms.

xxx

Valkyrie awoke to the sound of a female voice.

"Haha! I thought she would have known. Everyone says she is so dangerous and smart. Yet, you're still better and more, what's the word? Likable."

"Yes," she heard Skulduggery say, "But what they say is true. Valkyrie is a woman to be feared."

Valkyrie smiled a little and cracked an eye open. That stupid slut of a hostess was on Skulduggery's bloody lap.

Valkyrie growled. That was not happening. Skulduggery Pleasant belonged to her and only her.

She yawned and stretched her arms above her head, letting her black top slide up her stomach so that you could slightly see the bottom of a light six pack.

She sat up an blinked.

The stupid little girl jumped off Skulduggery's lap and stuttered, for Valkyrie had awoken and was angry. And people stuttered when Valkyrie was angry because when Valkyrie was angry she was scary.

The hostess hurried out of the room and Valkyrie smiled slyly at Skulduggery.

"What was that all about?"

Skulduggery cringed and whispered a very quiet, "don't ask."

"Why not, Skullywug. What's there to hide?" She raised her eyebrows suggestively and laughed at Skulduggery's horrified expression.


	24. Vines

Skulduggery threw his arm around Valkyrie's shoulders.

"WE ARE EVIL!" He shouted. Then fell down laughing. Valkyrie raised her eyebrows at him, kicked him, and continued walking to Ravel's office. She smirked slightly but it was quickly gone when Skulduggery tackled her to the ground. He started tickling her, and she hit him.

"Stop it! Oh, fuck! St...Stop it! SKULDUGGERY! We are... in the Sanctuary!"

Skulduggery turned his head in a smile and got off her. She stuck up her hand and he looked at it, kicked her, and continued walking to Ravel's office.

Valkyrie scowled, stood and followed him.

"What the hell was all that about?" She asked him.

"I was bored."

"Really?"

"Yup."

"Huh."

"What?"

"You are really stupid."

Skulduggery straightened his head. "I know. Wait! I didn't mean it!"

Valkyrie smirked triumphantly. "What's nine plus ten?"

Skulduggery put on a silly voice. "TWENTY ONE!"

"Hey, Skull?"

He grunted.

"Guess what our song is."

He grunted again.

"Centuries by Fall Out Boy!"

"No, Valkyrie. That is not _our_ song it's _my_ song."

They walked in to Ravel's office.

"I gave her my heart... I gave her my soul... I gave her... DEEZ NUTS, aha, GOT HIM!"

Skulduggery and Valkyrie shared a look.

"Ha, GAAAYYY!" Valkyrie said and she and Skulduggery both burst into uncontrollable laughter.

Ravel turned. "Go away." He mumbled.

"Hey Ravel?!" Skulduggery called. "Name a yellow fruit."

"Orange!"

"Wtf, Ravel?"

"I don't even know."

"I'm a buff Jeffy, I'm a buff Jeffy. I will stab all your bones, stab all your bones! If you're the evil Zalgo, I will stab you fo fun."

"Valkyrie, who is Zalgo"

"You should not speak his name."

"Why?"

"Slendor Mon!"

"What?"

"Skulduggery," Valkyrie said, straight faced. "I AM SO PEEVED RIGHT NOW! BEN Drowned wants you to ride a circus ride and Jeff the Killer wants his replacement beverage."

"Okay? Valkyrie, I don't know who those people are."

Valkyrie gasped dramatically. "What? Oh, you sad, sad person. Jeff the Killer is a mass murderer, and he goes into your bedroom at night, wakes you up, tells you to go to sleep, then brutally stabs you to death." Valkyrie squealed. "BEN Drowned, was drowned by his father and now he haunts this game called Zelda, and when people summon BEN he climbs out of their computer and kills them."

"Okay... Valkyrie are you sure you're feeling alright?"

Valkyrie screamed. "NO! Skulduggery, no I am not okay. Want to know why?"

"Uh, no not part-"

"I am not okay because SEXUAL OFFENDERMAN IS NOT REAL!"

"Okay."

Ravel stood and cleared his throat. "I want you two to go to the shops and buy me a chocolate."

Skulduggery looked at him, nodded and picked up the now sobbing Valkyrie and threw her over his shoulder. Once they arrived at the shops Skulduggery got out. Valkyrie stayed in the car, Skulduggery winning the argument they had on the hour drive over here. She looked scary. Tears in her eyes, smile on her face, mascara running down her cheeks. Skulduggery shuddered. No way in the realms of hell was he going to be seen with her looking like _that._

He walked in and looked around. People were jumping back away from him and staring looking confused and Skulduggery realized he didn't activate his facade. He waved his arms around flabbily and back out. He ran back to the car, gave Valkyrie the thumbs up and activated his Facade. He had short brown hair and normal brown eyes. He walked back into the shops and sighed in relief when everything seemed to be back to normal.

He cocked his head as he walked down aisle one, wondering why he was even here. Oh yeah. Erskine wanted a chocolate. Skulduggery grabbed a basket and walked along looking at the signs until he found one that said confectionery on it. Aisle thirteen, it was. He picked up a plain Cabury block of chocolate and he sighed again. When was the last time he had chocolate.

"Well," he said to the lady standing next to him, in a Stitch voice, "that's going to straight to my basket." He nodded, and practically ran away stifling laughter. He got to the check out and gave the chocolate to the lady.

She smiled at him "WHAT ARE THOOOOSE?" Skulduggery took a step back. Sharon, according to her name tag, sounded like a man.

"I haven't the foggiest." He payed and walked out back to the Bentley.

"I was almost attacked by rabid dogs. I punched one in the nose. And guess what it reminded me of."

"What?" Skulduggery questioned, placing the plastic bag on the back seat.

"Guess."

"No."

"Guess."

"No."

"Don't let me drive the Bentley."

"Yes."

"Damn you. Just friggin' guess!"

"Okay! Okay, sheesh no need to go all Hulk on me. Umm... It reminded you of a scary dark monster who lurks behind the curtains in the kitchen?"

"Nooo... It reminded me of that surfer dude in Australia. He got attacked by a shark and he punched it in the nose."

"Oh."

"Yeah. I'm gonna live in Australia one day."

"No you're not."

"Why?"

"Because I said so. Now go to sleep."

Skulduggery thumped the side of her head and she hit the window and fell unconscious. Skulduggery laughed darkly at her pain.


	25. Can I Drive Your Car? Trust Issues!

Valkyrie frowned as she watched her husband turn the corner.

"Skulduggery?"

"Yes, dear?"

"Can I drive the Bentley."

"Absolutely not."

"Why not?"

"Because you will crash my car."

"Skulduggery."

"Yes?"

"How long have we been married?"

"Eighty years." He said, confused.

"So eighty years and you still don't trust me?"

"Yep."

**A few hours later...**

Valkyrie curled up against Skulduggery's form while they watched the News.

"Why can't I drive your car? It's a _car._ It's not important." She looked up at him and he looked down at her.

_"What?_ The Bentley_ is not just a car,_ darling."

"But... Don't you love me?"

"Not when you're like this, I don't."

"Hmph. I love _you_ when _you're_ annoying me."

"That's because I'm me. And I'm amazing."

**A few days later...**

"LET ME DRIVE YOUR CAR!"

"Valkyrie I'm not getting into an argument with you about this." Skulduggery said calmly. "You're not driving her."

Valkyrie scowled and walked out. Skulduggery's head followed her. He chuckled quietly, pulled his hat low and fell into a meditating state.

**A few seconds later...**

Valkyrie crept around the house and walked into the lounge room where Skulduggery had fallen 'asleep'. She reached into his coat pocket, trying hard not to laugh, or make noise, or kiss him.

Her hand gripped his keys and then everything happened in a blur.

Skulduggery's hand gripped her wrist and turned her around. He stepped in between her legs and she tripped. He pulled on her arm and she twirled and fell down on her back, Skulduggery on top of her.

Skulduggery had activated his Facade and was now glaring at her with hard silver eyes that had a golden ring around the pupil. His hair was black and it covered the corner of his left eye. His skin was tan and his lips were pink and soft.

Valkyrie was most aghast, though, when she saw the piercing in his right eyebrow.

"What do you think you're doing?" He growled and she whimpered.

"I just wanted to drive the car," she whispered.

"And I said no." He replied harshly leaning down on her. He let his lips brush her ear, then he moved his head down and scraped his teeth along her neck.

"When I say no, I'm not kidding, dear." He whispered, his voice husky. "Maybe another couple hundred years I'll let you drive her, but right now I need you."

Valkyrie grinned. Ah, she was glad they gave him a full body facade.

**I'm bored and sleep deprived. Don't judge. Just review.**


	26. Tan

"Let's get drunk!"

"Not sure of that's a good idea."

"Oh, of course it is, I came up with it!"

"You and your ego"

"I learnt it from you."

"I'm a bad influence on you, then."

"Nah."

Skulduggery looked up from the table. Him and Valkyrie were at the Sanctuary, apparently grounded because they were causing to much trouble. "Where are we gonna get the alcohol from anyway?"

"I'm sure I could find some locked away in this room somewhere."

Skulduggery put his head back on the table, black hair flying about. "You not very good at looking for things though."

"Hey!"

"Don't get up on me. Sometimes the truth hurts."

Valkyrie opened her mouth and raised a finger, "you're a bitch."

"Okay."

Valkyrie pulled out her phone, "I could call Tanith."

"Ghastly."

"What about him?"

"Think about it Valkyrie. They've been going out for the past hundred years. He would've told her."

"Yeah, but I'm her best friend. So she'll get me out, we'll ditch you and go get drunk. You're the one that turned it into a big scene anyway," she grumbled.

Skulduggery raised his head again, and arched a delicate eyebrow and Valkyrie laughed. "What?"

"Your eyebrows are very feminine, good sir."

"Are you mocking me again?"

Valkyrie laughed harder and it wasn't exactly how a woman of her age should laugh. She was snorting, hiccuping and occasionally sounded like a dying crow. Skulduggery banged his fist against the table.

"Damn it Cain! This is what got us in here in the first place, you dumbass!"

Valkyrie froze, "Gordon!"

Skulduggery slumped and sighed, "shit."

xxx

"Haha! Tan, I knew I could count on you."

"Since when did you call me Tan?"

"Since right now."

"Yeah, well I don't like it. Call me it again, Val, and I'll lock you back in the room. Except with Ghastly."

Valkyrie bowed her head, and grinned before running the rest of the way to Tan's bike.


End file.
